What I Deserve

In Christianity I was taught that I was basically evil and deserved to go to hell. Only because God was gracious was I not already there.

I deserved it even though I had no control over my presence in the world. I did not ask to be here.

I also learned that I had an incredible need for Jesus--to keep me out of hell, among other things. Again, I didn't deserve it, but he came to earth to die for me, and I was to be incredibly grateful.

I didn't deserve God's love or his blessings, shouldn't expect them, but at the same time, they were promised to me...so maybe I could expect them, would expect them, if I had a lot of faith.

If good things happened, it didn't mean I deserved them, it meant I was blessed by God. He was keeping his promises. Maybe I pleased him. I was supposed to be trying to please him.

If good things didn't happen it meant, well, I didn't deserve them anyway, so I should have known better than to expect them. God must have some better plan for me. It did not mean he was welching, that's for sure.

If bad things happened, God allowed them for some reason, clearly he wanted to teach me something, he knew best. Again, there's no blame on God.

The bottom line was I deserved hell. I didn't deserve anything good...I was evil and needed God and should be incredibly grateful to him for everything, even the bad stuff and unanswered prayers.

The logic was always a little off; it never made complete sense to me. I figured that was what faith was for; none of us can understand God. I was always left guessing. I'd pray and I'd hope and I'd ask for guidance, then I'd have to explain God to myself when things didn't make sense.

Is it any wonder I am messed up? The mental gymnastics are exhausting.

None of this sits right with me anymore. Don't I deserve at least a few things? Don't I deserve to know how it works and what I can expect?

Apparently not.

I'm only expecting to have to keep working to make my own way forward.

Well, maybe that's what I deserve.