Yesterday, after a morning of introspective writing and a run with my dog in amazing spring weather, I was driving to pick up a little lunch. I was already in a bit of a low mood, feeling how difficult life is when I embrace reality, stand on my own two and try to grow-up--all things I've been working on as a late-blooming 42-year-old....
Well, call me shallow and sappy, but a country song came on the radio that absolutely grabbed me. It was from the perspective of someone already gone, what they would say from the grave to the ones they loved. The singer described being buried in the cemetery at the edge of his hometown, and wanted everyone to know his soul had found it's home in heaven.
I got unbelievably, overwhelmingly homesick--and not just for my home in California...
Yes, first I saw in my mind's eye the cemetery on the edge of my hometown, the one on the road to the house I grew up in, the one I used to pass a couple times every day. I'm guessing if I died today that's where I'd go. I thought of that place, my parents, my home, and suddenly, I so badly wanted to be there.
Then I got sad and wistful, because I realized that place might not be my home anymore. I still say it is, pretend it is, because I love it so and it’s the only place I really go back to, but if my parents weren't still there, what would I really have in that place? How often would I go back? When they are gone, won’t it be so sad if it isn’t my home anymore?
I get twinges of homesickness every now and then, but I’ve always been very up for this vagabond life: traveling, living in new places, seeing the world. I’ve made my home wherever we are because I know that home isn't really a place on the map, it's my place in the world...my place with God, and my circle, so it has never really mattered where I lived.
So I tried to comfort myself with those thoughts...but then I realized that even my place in the world isn't so sure.
It was the part in the song about the soul's home that really got me--that's when the sobs really started and I had to pull the car over. I suddenly felt deeply, strangely and fearfully that my soul had no home.
I was homesick for Christianity. For the feeling of security I used to have in Christianity.
I just don’t get to walk around knowing where my soul belongs anymore, believing and being so damn sure that I am being taken care of, now, here on earth, and later in heaven.
I guess I just hit me really hard--I am homeless.
How painful this is--being out in the world, re-thinking everything. I’ve learned in recent years that nothing in life works as I though it did, and that has left me a bit thrown...
Is this what people feel when they’re really being grown-ups, when they're really thinking and embracing reality? Is this how freedom feels sometimes? It this the price of it? Is this why people decide on religions, keep routines, become workaholics, and go from buzz to buzz? Is it so they can feel at-home? Comfortable? Secure?
I wanted to tell everyone that this is too much, that if they haven't seen or felt this yet, they shouldn't. They should just stay there, where they are--don't question, don't move. Religion, Christianity, living in the box of one's choice isn’t so bad...it's good. It's safe and comfortable. I wanted to warn them that it is way too scary out here, way too painful. Stay home and take comfort, whatever the cost....
But, I've also recently learned, since I've been working at being my own person and have given up trying to live within a belief system, that the worst feelings...the scariest feelings, they just have to be withstood.
I can't fold, I can't give in.
Right now, everyone is suspect for getting me off-track. I'm working really hard to find my own true thoughts and opinions about life, and no one is intimidating me into feeling or thinking anything. I'll decide. I'll stand on my own two and go toe-to-toe with everyone and their ideas.
That's how you do it...that's how you live life. I just learned that. At 42 I just learned this very basic thing about how to live. Have confidence in your own thoughts, and don't fold.
And, after I withstand the worst--the fear, the intimidation, the loneliness--it eases, and I can see that I've made it through. That happened yesterday. I sucked up the sobs, wiped the tears and continued on. I went to my job and worked hard until late--thinking and feeling all the while.
I woke up today and saw, or felt, that I had gained some valuable ground. Yes, yesterday's reality was scary and painful. Yes, I used to have an easier life. I'm still sad, and a little homesick, but I had to move. There's no way I could fit my bigger life, my bigger thoughts, back into that house. The questions got too loud.
You know those crazy homeless people who choose to be homeless because they enjoy the freedom of living off their wits? Could that be me?
Friday, April 24, 2009
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Work
Work is good.
It makes me show up and get my mind on something besides my big fat self, the fight with my man or my eternal spiritual issues.
It’s good for me.
It keeps time moving at an appropriate pace.
Even when it’s hard to get there and I find it tiresome, it’s occupying some of my space and keeps me from thinking so hard about things, about what else I might be doing, should be doing. I’m being paid to be there, so I can't expect myself to do anything more. I have to stay engaged, and sometimes I get lost in the work.
It’s good.
It’s healthy, I guess.
It’s like exercise.
And, like exercise, afterwards, I get that feeling of accomplishment I’m somewhat addicted to.
And another day has gone by....
BUT HAS IT BEEN LIVED?
It makes me show up and get my mind on something besides my big fat self, the fight with my man or my eternal spiritual issues.
It’s good for me.
It keeps time moving at an appropriate pace.
Even when it’s hard to get there and I find it tiresome, it’s occupying some of my space and keeps me from thinking so hard about things, about what else I might be doing, should be doing. I’m being paid to be there, so I can't expect myself to do anything more. I have to stay engaged, and sometimes I get lost in the work.
It’s good.
It’s healthy, I guess.
It’s like exercise.
And, like exercise, afterwards, I get that feeling of accomplishment I’m somewhat addicted to.
And another day has gone by....
BUT HAS IT BEEN LIVED?
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Men. Again.
I have such a problem with men right now…with all the men I’ve ever known…all the teachers, preachers, friends and relatives….
I love them…I do. And I love to hang out with them, talk to them, push them to give me their take on life, but…they only see the world their way. I know they can’t help it, they’re men, and they see the world as men. As a woman, I feel I have to get them see it my way, or let them go and be unconnected with me. It seems they don’t feel as obligated to get me to see it their way...to them, their way is obvious.
It feels like men are only really willing to connect with women when they feel they need them.
And I was raised to please men, make them happy, and to be low-maintenance around them—after all, I was raised in America. I’m supposed to look pretty, be alluring and work around their important lives. I've been so affected by their view. Yes, I’ve always been able to voice my opinion around them just fine, but I’ve realized it doesn’t change how they see things—even if they agree with me, even if I’m right. And, although some of them can speak my language, none of them see the world as I see it. I’m not talking about chauvinism or even doltish short-sightedness, I’m talking about culture and genetics and…well, they just are what they are, they can’t help it…they’re men.
I understand all this so I go their way. Often, I cover that ground, for relationship, for friendship…it’s worth it to me because…well…don’t get me started on women. Given the choice….
And I know the men sure as hell probably aren’t coming my way, since often they don’t see the need.
Okay, yes, sure, men try to make women happy. But don’t they often do it so they can get by without having to really deal with their women? They placate them, and a lot of women are happy with that. The men are happy feeling they’ve played it right and gotten off as easily as possible, and the women think they’ve gotten what they wanted. A lot of men and women think that’s the way it works.
Well it ain’t. Not in my world.
Those men that try to do things to please women, but not really deal with them? Uh uh. No thanks. I’m not pleased…at all.
But a lot of women are pleased, and this is all they want, all they expect. And in return they use all their manipulative skills to get their men to do the placating, showing they too have power. I recently sat at a dinner party and listened to a couple argue that this is how marriage works--men and women are just that simple. He does the things that please her, and she fulfills his basic needs for happiness, because that’s all either of them want. I didn’t even try to hold back my “Bullshit,” response to that. Sorry, call me high-maintenance, but I’m expecting a little more in my marriage and even my friendships than that…
In my world, I don’t want any placating…I’d rather have the painful space between us…just sitting there, like a dry, hard-cracked desert, than be made to feel like we are close with all the shallow gestures couples learn in couples counseling. I’d rather have men not even try to cover the ground if they aren’t up for it--Just be who you are…at least I then know who the hell I’m dealing with and what to expect. Of course you’ll hear some complaining about how you aren’t bringing it real, but…that’s the price for sitting on your ass with me. At least you get to do it….it’s your choice. I’m not going to make you do anything.
I know my male boss won’t cover any ground, he doesn’t have to…he actually does have all the power, it’s non-negotiable and very clear. So at work I’m biting my tongue where he’s concerned—we do not speak the same language, and I don’t get to be understood. Got it. Noted. I’ve caught a glimpse of what a glass ceiling must feel like.
But the other men in my life? Well, they have to hear it from me--and, since they are in my circle, we can at least have that out. But, I’m left wondering, how good of friends can we ever really be? How close can we really get? Is there always space between us? Even when we seem close and happy with each other, we just aren’t seeing it--don’t want to see it--but the space…it’s still there, isn’t it?
I remember listening in college to older, feminist women talk about men with anger…and I didn’t get it, just didn’t see that problem with the men in my life, who at the time, I was so easily pleasing. Life was still working the way I was raised to think it did.
Well now, I see it a little. Women are raised to please men, yet men can be unpleaseable. So really, can we succeed? Not while keeping all our integrity and our SELF. Women aren’t always going to get that A+ from men…and really? It’s not their fault, men don’t have the power to give it, yet, women are raised to look to them for it. The structure is so flawed--they’re just being the men they were raised to be…they’re in a lose-lose as well.
Well I’m just being a woman, and probably a troublesome one at that…but for the love of God, can’t we do better than this? Can’t we see how beautiful it is when someone with power doesn’t use it to manipulate and get what they want, but gives it away? Shouldn't we give someone else the freedom to cover the ground on their own, however they’d like to do it, if they even want to? Yes, the ground is difficult to cover, but we don’t want anyone covering it because they have to, do we? And, what is life with others about about if not figuring out new ways to cover that ground, to relate with one another? Shouldn't that be motivation enough?
Real relationship… isn’t it worth it?
Doesn’t anyone want it?
Are we all just trying to get by as easily as possible?
I love them…I do. And I love to hang out with them, talk to them, push them to give me their take on life, but…they only see the world their way. I know they can’t help it, they’re men, and they see the world as men. As a woman, I feel I have to get them see it my way, or let them go and be unconnected with me. It seems they don’t feel as obligated to get me to see it their way...to them, their way is obvious.
It feels like men are only really willing to connect with women when they feel they need them.
And I was raised to please men, make them happy, and to be low-maintenance around them—after all, I was raised in America. I’m supposed to look pretty, be alluring and work around their important lives. I've been so affected by their view. Yes, I’ve always been able to voice my opinion around them just fine, but I’ve realized it doesn’t change how they see things—even if they agree with me, even if I’m right. And, although some of them can speak my language, none of them see the world as I see it. I’m not talking about chauvinism or even doltish short-sightedness, I’m talking about culture and genetics and…well, they just are what they are, they can’t help it…they’re men.
I understand all this so I go their way. Often, I cover that ground, for relationship, for friendship…it’s worth it to me because…well…don’t get me started on women. Given the choice….
And I know the men sure as hell probably aren’t coming my way, since often they don’t see the need.
Okay, yes, sure, men try to make women happy. But don’t they often do it so they can get by without having to really deal with their women? They placate them, and a lot of women are happy with that. The men are happy feeling they’ve played it right and gotten off as easily as possible, and the women think they’ve gotten what they wanted. A lot of men and women think that’s the way it works.
Well it ain’t. Not in my world.
Those men that try to do things to please women, but not really deal with them? Uh uh. No thanks. I’m not pleased…at all.
But a lot of women are pleased, and this is all they want, all they expect. And in return they use all their manipulative skills to get their men to do the placating, showing they too have power. I recently sat at a dinner party and listened to a couple argue that this is how marriage works--men and women are just that simple. He does the things that please her, and she fulfills his basic needs for happiness, because that’s all either of them want. I didn’t even try to hold back my “Bullshit,” response to that. Sorry, call me high-maintenance, but I’m expecting a little more in my marriage and even my friendships than that…
In my world, I don’t want any placating…I’d rather have the painful space between us…just sitting there, like a dry, hard-cracked desert, than be made to feel like we are close with all the shallow gestures couples learn in couples counseling. I’d rather have men not even try to cover the ground if they aren’t up for it--Just be who you are…at least I then know who the hell I’m dealing with and what to expect. Of course you’ll hear some complaining about how you aren’t bringing it real, but…that’s the price for sitting on your ass with me. At least you get to do it….it’s your choice. I’m not going to make you do anything.
I know my male boss won’t cover any ground, he doesn’t have to…he actually does have all the power, it’s non-negotiable and very clear. So at work I’m biting my tongue where he’s concerned—we do not speak the same language, and I don’t get to be understood. Got it. Noted. I’ve caught a glimpse of what a glass ceiling must feel like.
But the other men in my life? Well, they have to hear it from me--and, since they are in my circle, we can at least have that out. But, I’m left wondering, how good of friends can we ever really be? How close can we really get? Is there always space between us? Even when we seem close and happy with each other, we just aren’t seeing it--don’t want to see it--but the space…it’s still there, isn’t it?
I remember listening in college to older, feminist women talk about men with anger…and I didn’t get it, just didn’t see that problem with the men in my life, who at the time, I was so easily pleasing. Life was still working the way I was raised to think it did.
Well now, I see it a little. Women are raised to please men, yet men can be unpleaseable. So really, can we succeed? Not while keeping all our integrity and our SELF. Women aren’t always going to get that A+ from men…and really? It’s not their fault, men don’t have the power to give it, yet, women are raised to look to them for it. The structure is so flawed--they’re just being the men they were raised to be…they’re in a lose-lose as well.
Well I’m just being a woman, and probably a troublesome one at that…but for the love of God, can’t we do better than this? Can’t we see how beautiful it is when someone with power doesn’t use it to manipulate and get what they want, but gives it away? Shouldn't we give someone else the freedom to cover the ground on their own, however they’d like to do it, if they even want to? Yes, the ground is difficult to cover, but we don’t want anyone covering it because they have to, do we? And, what is life with others about about if not figuring out new ways to cover that ground, to relate with one another? Shouldn't that be motivation enough?
Real relationship… isn’t it worth it?
Doesn’t anyone want it?
Are we all just trying to get by as easily as possible?
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
On Friendship
It’s hard to be my friend…let me get that out there first…
I know a lot of people, and I love chatting and socializing…but close friends? I can probably count them on one hand…Sometimes, one finger, and that’s counting my four-legged friend.
And that’s life I suppose…I mean, how many people can I expect to want to be with me and listen to me and share with me all the time…whenever I want or need it? C’mon.
Plus, as I said, I’m a difficult friend to have. I’m not high-maintenance but…I expect a lot from my friends...there are just certain things I require…
Sincerity. Honesty. Realness.
Don’t hang with me because you have to or it seems like the thing to do or what we’ve become accustomed to…only if you want to. Just be real. You’re tired of hearing my bunk? You can’t deal with me tonight? Just say it. That’s a hundred times better than me realizing you’re trying to muster the energy--I don’t want you to have to put out so much effort…
But, if we are going to hang…bring a little real conversation and insight, since you have it. Even if no one else is requiring it of you…I probably will. I’m not polite when it comes to this, I’ll probably ask too many personal questions…and give you more opinion than you’ve asked for…
And, you need to be able to roll my way a little. I’ll see things from your perspective, do things your way, come into your world and roll with you…You might have to see things from my side for a time and let that be okay instead of us always having to speak your language, do things your way, so that you feel all comfortable.
Apart from that, it's all easy.
Lately I’ve been feeling a little lonely, but I’m embracing it. Yes, I just had a long conversation and dinner last night with a friend—-all real and honest and great. But, it's not like I’m going to call her or require anything of her just because I'm feeling a little lonely…we’re friends and we can talk on a dime, but we’re not besties…
No, all my besties are all currently unable to roll with me…either because of how I am or their own dysfunction… or because of life...they’re just busy. They aren’t free to love me, be with me, hear and listen…or maybe I just require too much from them and they need a break. And they get to be that way…sometimes it’s like that.
I could certainly rouse them if I really needed them….
But really…should I need or want them as much as I do? Shouldn’t I be a strong, independent woman, a whole person on her own? Gosh I used to do that so much better when I had Jesus in my backpocket…
But, no one’s needs are fully met, right? We all walk around incomplete. Why do I even expect someone to always be there for me…and then sometimes wait for it? ‘Cause I’m a big fat baby? ‘Cause I don’t want to deal with my bunk and grow the hell up? Shouldn’t I be able to be fine feeling alone for a time?
Yes, and I am.
It just is what it is…life and friendship. You enjoy the moments when you have them…and let them go, embracing and learning from the in-between times.
We just don’t get to hang onto anything, do we?
I know a lot of people, and I love chatting and socializing…but close friends? I can probably count them on one hand…Sometimes, one finger, and that’s counting my four-legged friend.
And that’s life I suppose…I mean, how many people can I expect to want to be with me and listen to me and share with me all the time…whenever I want or need it? C’mon.
Plus, as I said, I’m a difficult friend to have. I’m not high-maintenance but…I expect a lot from my friends...there are just certain things I require…
Sincerity. Honesty. Realness.
Don’t hang with me because you have to or it seems like the thing to do or what we’ve become accustomed to…only if you want to. Just be real. You’re tired of hearing my bunk? You can’t deal with me tonight? Just say it. That’s a hundred times better than me realizing you’re trying to muster the energy--I don’t want you to have to put out so much effort…
But, if we are going to hang…bring a little real conversation and insight, since you have it. Even if no one else is requiring it of you…I probably will. I’m not polite when it comes to this, I’ll probably ask too many personal questions…and give you more opinion than you’ve asked for…
And, you need to be able to roll my way a little. I’ll see things from your perspective, do things your way, come into your world and roll with you…You might have to see things from my side for a time and let that be okay instead of us always having to speak your language, do things your way, so that you feel all comfortable.
Apart from that, it's all easy.
Lately I’ve been feeling a little lonely, but I’m embracing it. Yes, I just had a long conversation and dinner last night with a friend—-all real and honest and great. But, it's not like I’m going to call her or require anything of her just because I'm feeling a little lonely…we’re friends and we can talk on a dime, but we’re not besties…
No, all my besties are all currently unable to roll with me…either because of how I am or their own dysfunction… or because of life...they’re just busy. They aren’t free to love me, be with me, hear and listen…or maybe I just require too much from them and they need a break. And they get to be that way…sometimes it’s like that.
I could certainly rouse them if I really needed them….
But really…should I need or want them as much as I do? Shouldn’t I be a strong, independent woman, a whole person on her own? Gosh I used to do that so much better when I had Jesus in my backpocket…
But, no one’s needs are fully met, right? We all walk around incomplete. Why do I even expect someone to always be there for me…and then sometimes wait for it? ‘Cause I’m a big fat baby? ‘Cause I don’t want to deal with my bunk and grow the hell up? Shouldn’t I be able to be fine feeling alone for a time?
Yes, and I am.
It just is what it is…life and friendship. You enjoy the moments when you have them…and let them go, embracing and learning from the in-between times.
We just don’t get to hang onto anything, do we?
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