Well, it was nice while it lasted, the time off.
I still have more fun to look forward to--some fun friends are coming to stay for a few days for New Year's Eve and we're going to party up, plus I have a bit more time off from my jobs--but the real work needs to begin again. The work of sitting here and dealing with my bunk and writing every day.
I can so feel it, that I've been playing, living off the buzzes of life: celebrating, traveling, eating and drinking. I feel disconnected and un-centered, and I'm looking around for some more easy, fun ways to get through the days...C'mon, another reason for celebrating? Another holiday? Another big meal or present to open?
I know better than to fall too far into this. I know how to get through the days and how to make progress toward where I'm trying to go. It's just that when I take a break from doing that work it seems so difficult to get back to it. It's like running. When I let too many days go by since my last run fear starts to creep in...it's going to hurt, I might be in worse shape than I think, I might fail.
The only answer is to hit the road and get a run under my belt. Same here. After a shift at work tomorrow and paying a mountain of bills, I'll have some time to myself the next couple of days. I intend to sit here and not get up until I get back into the swing of thinking and writing and feeling--doing the hard work of living this life, not just trying to skate through it and live off the buzz.
Friday, December 26, 2008
Thursday, December 18, 2008
A Fun Few Days...
Today was a fun day.
We got to officially let out where we are going next, and it was fun to hear from everyone who heard. I spent a couple hours fielding texts and calls from friends--Most because I texted them and basically MADE them respond, like "Hey we're moving there, aren't you jazzed?
After that I went to work, and my friend Dawg, who we've been stationed with three times and has flown with Kevin a lot of years, well he dropped by with a gift and to say congrats. He gave me a guidebook to our new state, New Mexico Off The Beaten Path. Oh, we'll be off the beaten path all right...way off. It was very fun of him.
"Enjoy this," he said. "No wine bars where you're going." I know it, and I am. Not a wine bar or Pilates machine within 500 miles of our new town I am sure, but the flying will be great for Kevin. They love to fly the best jets over deserts... I'll have to find some other things to do...like maybe WRITE more?
Then Kevin, who is free for three weeks for Christmas break and has that whole "I'm out of school" attitude, came by and invited me out for a drink at the super swanky place on the next block after work. I've been wanting to go there since we moved here, they are the hottest place around and have an awesome reputation with the prices to match. We had a great time. The bartender there recognized me from my work and gave me some professional courtesy on the bill--maybe I am a part of the club now after all? She was so cool at her job, she made me kind of want to work up to bartender in a swanky place--but as I've said, that won't be available for at least the next couple of years. It was easy to see why they are the best place in the whole area--very nice drinks, great food, easy atmosphere and some conversation...my place is like the little sister to this accomplished locale.
It was slow tonight at my wine bar--surprising, since it's been busier and busier during the holidays--but the weather is chilly and there are a lot of holiday parties. Apparently people are staying in.
And last night Kevin and I went for a great anniversary dinner at another of Old Town's amazing restaurants--we got four courses with the wine pairing. It was very fun and very delicious. We're headed to NYC in a couple days to continue celebrating, and I am getting all kinds of recommendations for places to eat and drink from my co-workers, all of whom know food and drink better than anyone I've ever hung out with.
I reserved a dog-friendly boutique hotel near Central Park--Yes, I think the whole family is going, I like us to all be together. I hear they're getting a "wintry mix" snow storm Sunday during our drive up--it could be ugly. Who cares once we get there, we'll be in NEW YORK CITY for crying out loud! I'll wear a hat and gloves, and I might even put a jacket on the dog. We'll be fine. The night prior we're going to a fundraiser in Georgetown that doesn't even start until 9pm, and we're advised to bring dancing shoes...haven't worn those since we left Vegas. I'm looking forward to it, but it might cause us to get a late start....
So we're moving again in June, it's very soon. There's some pain in that. Yes, that part hasn't sunk in yet...it seems like we just got here and I just got my life together. I'll have to deal with that soon, yes I will.
But THAT is a post for another day....
We got to officially let out where we are going next, and it was fun to hear from everyone who heard. I spent a couple hours fielding texts and calls from friends--Most because I texted them and basically MADE them respond, like "Hey we're moving there, aren't you jazzed?
After that I went to work, and my friend Dawg, who we've been stationed with three times and has flown with Kevin a lot of years, well he dropped by with a gift and to say congrats. He gave me a guidebook to our new state, New Mexico Off The Beaten Path. Oh, we'll be off the beaten path all right...way off. It was very fun of him.
"Enjoy this," he said. "No wine bars where you're going." I know it, and I am. Not a wine bar or Pilates machine within 500 miles of our new town I am sure, but the flying will be great for Kevin. They love to fly the best jets over deserts... I'll have to find some other things to do...like maybe WRITE more?
Then Kevin, who is free for three weeks for Christmas break and has that whole "I'm out of school" attitude, came by and invited me out for a drink at the super swanky place on the next block after work. I've been wanting to go there since we moved here, they are the hottest place around and have an awesome reputation with the prices to match. We had a great time. The bartender there recognized me from my work and gave me some professional courtesy on the bill--maybe I am a part of the club now after all? She was so cool at her job, she made me kind of want to work up to bartender in a swanky place--but as I've said, that won't be available for at least the next couple of years. It was easy to see why they are the best place in the whole area--very nice drinks, great food, easy atmosphere and some conversation...my place is like the little sister to this accomplished locale.
It was slow tonight at my wine bar--surprising, since it's been busier and busier during the holidays--but the weather is chilly and there are a lot of holiday parties. Apparently people are staying in.
And last night Kevin and I went for a great anniversary dinner at another of Old Town's amazing restaurants--we got four courses with the wine pairing. It was very fun and very delicious. We're headed to NYC in a couple days to continue celebrating, and I am getting all kinds of recommendations for places to eat and drink from my co-workers, all of whom know food and drink better than anyone I've ever hung out with.
I reserved a dog-friendly boutique hotel near Central Park--Yes, I think the whole family is going, I like us to all be together. I hear they're getting a "wintry mix" snow storm Sunday during our drive up--it could be ugly. Who cares once we get there, we'll be in NEW YORK CITY for crying out loud! I'll wear a hat and gloves, and I might even put a jacket on the dog. We'll be fine. The night prior we're going to a fundraiser in Georgetown that doesn't even start until 9pm, and we're advised to bring dancing shoes...haven't worn those since we left Vegas. I'm looking forward to it, but it might cause us to get a late start....
So we're moving again in June, it's very soon. There's some pain in that. Yes, that part hasn't sunk in yet...it seems like we just got here and I just got my life together. I'll have to deal with that soon, yes I will.
But THAT is a post for another day....
Friday, December 5, 2008
Highly Functional
All this time I thought that I was just really dysfunctional.
No one else sees life as I do. I've spent my life trying to either get someone else to see it like me or change the way I see it so that I could be like other people and fit in.
Well I've had a little help seeing it, but now I accept that no one is ever going to get me, no one is ever going to completely understand. Maybe everyone has this realization and knows this already about themselves, but I come late to such things--I've held my dreams tight. I bet everyone else figured this out at about eighth grade, but I've had a difficult time accepting this. I so want, need, like and still hope to be understood.
But, there is freedom in acceptance.
Once I brought myself to it, much of the frustration I am so accustomed to lifted right off of me, it was such a great feeling. No one is going to get me, and it's okay. I can quit trying so hard to bridge the gap between myself and everyone else, quit trying to explain everything, quit leaving half of myself out of the conversation because it's the half that's not going to be understood.
Plus, here's another great realization that came along with it...
Maybe--and I had a little help seeing this too--just maybe, I am not all that dysfunctional. Maybe the way I see life and love and God and relationships and the way I wrestle with truth is NOT the bane of my existence--maybe it's the key to my expression. Maybe I'm not only NOT dysfunctional, maybe I'm highly-functional. Maybe I'm like an idiot savant, crazy talented and gifted in this one teeny, tiny niche, and a bumbler in every other area. Ah, what a thought.
Maybe artists and accomplished people have put in the work to really explore and know this part of themselves, the part that makes them different, not fit in, weird. Maybe they develop it and express it and maybe that is what makes their uniqueness shine.
Because of my strong Christian upbringing, and my actual dysfunction, I have not done a lot of this work. I have not gone there or searched and worked there, nor have I let that part of me be released. I didn’t want to be that different from everyone else. I wanted to be the best Christian so I forced myself to get on-board with all of that, self-editing and withholding to stay between the lines and get that A+ grade.
And, maybe I too easily pick up on the vibe of what other people are thinking or understanding, then curb myself to get along with them and make them feel better. I know I do this. Of course I gravitate toward people with whom I don’t have to do this so much, then I deal with the rest so that I can fit in a little. I only allow myself out in small doses where I am understood, and the rest of me? Not even I know her, she stays shut up and put away.
Well, the light is shining on her now, and I need to figure out how to get her up and moving—she’s all paralyzed from being locked in the basement in the dark all these years. But, she’s the valuable one now, she’s the one who holds the keys to my insight and I need to hear from her.
I remember when I was a child, before I started to change to fit in, I had a little pretend friend. She used to wear a red, hooded cloak and swing with me on the swingset. I put her away when I was told she couldn't possibly exist....
See? No one is going to understand me--I'm a freak-show. But, maybe, just maybe, I'm a highly-functioning freak-show. Maybe I'm seeing colors (and people), that you cannot see.
No one else sees life as I do. I've spent my life trying to either get someone else to see it like me or change the way I see it so that I could be like other people and fit in.
Well I've had a little help seeing it, but now I accept that no one is ever going to get me, no one is ever going to completely understand. Maybe everyone has this realization and knows this already about themselves, but I come late to such things--I've held my dreams tight. I bet everyone else figured this out at about eighth grade, but I've had a difficult time accepting this. I so want, need, like and still hope to be understood.
But, there is freedom in acceptance.
Once I brought myself to it, much of the frustration I am so accustomed to lifted right off of me, it was such a great feeling. No one is going to get me, and it's okay. I can quit trying so hard to bridge the gap between myself and everyone else, quit trying to explain everything, quit leaving half of myself out of the conversation because it's the half that's not going to be understood.
Plus, here's another great realization that came along with it...
Maybe--and I had a little help seeing this too--just maybe, I am not all that dysfunctional. Maybe the way I see life and love and God and relationships and the way I wrestle with truth is NOT the bane of my existence--maybe it's the key to my expression. Maybe I'm not only NOT dysfunctional, maybe I'm highly-functional. Maybe I'm like an idiot savant, crazy talented and gifted in this one teeny, tiny niche, and a bumbler in every other area. Ah, what a thought.
Maybe artists and accomplished people have put in the work to really explore and know this part of themselves, the part that makes them different, not fit in, weird. Maybe they develop it and express it and maybe that is what makes their uniqueness shine.
Because of my strong Christian upbringing, and my actual dysfunction, I have not done a lot of this work. I have not gone there or searched and worked there, nor have I let that part of me be released. I didn’t want to be that different from everyone else. I wanted to be the best Christian so I forced myself to get on-board with all of that, self-editing and withholding to stay between the lines and get that A+ grade.
And, maybe I too easily pick up on the vibe of what other people are thinking or understanding, then curb myself to get along with them and make them feel better. I know I do this. Of course I gravitate toward people with whom I don’t have to do this so much, then I deal with the rest so that I can fit in a little. I only allow myself out in small doses where I am understood, and the rest of me? Not even I know her, she stays shut up and put away.
Well, the light is shining on her now, and I need to figure out how to get her up and moving—she’s all paralyzed from being locked in the basement in the dark all these years. But, she’s the valuable one now, she’s the one who holds the keys to my insight and I need to hear from her.
I remember when I was a child, before I started to change to fit in, I had a little pretend friend. She used to wear a red, hooded cloak and swing with me on the swingset. I put her away when I was told she couldn't possibly exist....
See? No one is going to understand me--I'm a freak-show. But, maybe, just maybe, I'm a highly-functioning freak-show. Maybe I'm seeing colors (and people), that you cannot see.
Monday, December 1, 2008
You would think....
You would think that with clear eyes and a full heart you couldn’t lose, but as it turns out, it might take a little more than that.
I’ve decided this is too hard. This whole writing thing is just ridiculous. Instead, I’m going to find something else….yes, I'm just going to be like other people and choose something to do, and then make it a big deal.
I’m going to become a wine expert. I have a venue in which to learn, I’ve researched what it takes to become a certified sommelier, and I can easily follow that formula. Memorize, taste, learn to spit, and I’m there. That should help me get through the next couple of moves, the next six, and if I'm lucky, 10 years or so. Then I’ll probably come to the end of it and have to find another interest, but, well, maybe that’s okay, anything is easier than this….
I ran this past my husband...he said he doesn’t think it will work for me. I’m blessed and cursed, says he, to be the way I am, wrestling with issues all the time, trying to write about them.
Damn.
He’s probably right. Because after that ten years I'll probably still have that underlying feeling that I should be writing or doing something real, and a few more decades will be staring me in the face--not sure how I’m going to make it through them all.
Saturday I had a customer tell me that kids get you through the mid-life issues—they pull you through because you have to keep life relatively stable for them. Even though you know life doesn't work the way you thought, you act like it does. (I'm wondering what’s going to get me though the next 60 years since I only have a dog....)
Plus, he pointed out, we used to only live about this long—only in the past couple hundred years have we been living past 40, dealing with what to do with so much time.
So what the hell are we supposed to do? We can’t escape into the fresh-faced youthful projects of raising kids, building a career, or, if you're me, being the perfect Christian, so….what matters now? What rules define the edges of life now?
Shit. And I’ve got a long way to go. Might as well get the writing thing figured out now....if I can.
I’ve decided this is too hard. This whole writing thing is just ridiculous. Instead, I’m going to find something else….yes, I'm just going to be like other people and choose something to do, and then make it a big deal.
I’m going to become a wine expert. I have a venue in which to learn, I’ve researched what it takes to become a certified sommelier, and I can easily follow that formula. Memorize, taste, learn to spit, and I’m there. That should help me get through the next couple of moves, the next six, and if I'm lucky, 10 years or so. Then I’ll probably come to the end of it and have to find another interest, but, well, maybe that’s okay, anything is easier than this….
I ran this past my husband...he said he doesn’t think it will work for me. I’m blessed and cursed, says he, to be the way I am, wrestling with issues all the time, trying to write about them.
Damn.
He’s probably right. Because after that ten years I'll probably still have that underlying feeling that I should be writing or doing something real, and a few more decades will be staring me in the face--not sure how I’m going to make it through them all.
Saturday I had a customer tell me that kids get you through the mid-life issues—they pull you through because you have to keep life relatively stable for them. Even though you know life doesn't work the way you thought, you act like it does. (I'm wondering what’s going to get me though the next 60 years since I only have a dog....)
Plus, he pointed out, we used to only live about this long—only in the past couple hundred years have we been living past 40, dealing with what to do with so much time.
So what the hell are we supposed to do? We can’t escape into the fresh-faced youthful projects of raising kids, building a career, or, if you're me, being the perfect Christian, so….what matters now? What rules define the edges of life now?
Shit. And I’ve got a long way to go. Might as well get the writing thing figured out now....if I can.
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