Unafraid

Fear is a big motivator.

When I was in Christianity, it was a very effective tool. I was pretty afraid of messing up, of losing things, of sin, of myself and of God’s opinion. Even more powerful was the fear of what might not happen: I might not get the promised blessings, might not become more peaceful and joyful, might miss out on the “abundant life,” might not ever be like Jesus.

Fear is still a big part of my mindset, but I want it out of there. I’m tired of being afraid, living afraid.

I think I’m on to how to stop.

I have to go all the way there, to answer the what-ifs. What if I lose it all? What if I never accomplish anything? What if I slip-up, quit caring, become a big, fat loser who can’t muster for anyone or anything? What if already am that and just don’t know it? What if I embarrass myself in my attempts at life?

The answers just aren’t that bad. When I take a look at the worst-case scenario, it takes the kick out of fear. I used to need the kick--I’d try to use it, afraid (again) I’d lose motivation without it. Now I'm seeking a higher motivation. It’s hard for me to keep hold of though, without the scare tactics.

I want to aspire, to become, to live bigger. Why? Because I’m afraid life will have gone by and I’ll not have lived it. Is there a way to change that thought process? Isn’t there a more positive reason? Can’t I learn to lean forward and go offensive instead of always playing D?

I am only just starting to get the feeling of turning offensive, moving forward, accessing some aggression and going for the win. I’ve not trained this way, I’m out of shape.

So I need to develop a belief in, even an addiction to, the feeling I get when I’m really living life. I want to know that feeling so well, go after it hard, and accept nothing less. I want to be in the moment, be me, feel like me and live off that buzz, if you can even call it a buzz.

I haven’t felt it enough to know for sure, but I have hope it’s possible—it’s just hard to keep it in front of me…Fear will often crowd it out and I’ll quit making progress.

I don’t suppose I can get rid of fear altogether, and a healthy dose is probably a good thing. No one needs to go crazy fearless and start living for the adrenaline rush, doing the emotional, mental or spiritual equivalent of bungee jumping….

But for me, that “healthy dose” needs to stay tiny…just enough to be a little careful and smart. I’ve lived with too much fear…I’ll feel it, adjust too much and end up stepping way around it. Before I know it there’s no space to move forward.

And, not only do I have to face down the fear, I also need to learn to trust myself.

This is where Christianity does its worst damage.

As a Christian you cannot trust yourself because your SELF is sinful, weak, deceitful and bound to mess everything up. Instead you’re supposed to trust in God and Jesus--blindly, if necessary. They, and unfortunately their “representatives”, (whom you’ve placed yourself under and are to be in “submission” to), know best. So automatically, what you’re thinking or wanting is probably off. You need to listen to these people, and their interpretation of the Bible, and live life their way, the best way. They promise if only you’ll get on-board, the benefits will be huge.

So in Christianity the only way to succeed, to not mess up your life, to enjoy all the benefits of being in the club, is to become a rule-follower. Soon you don’t even have to think for yourself.

Trying to unlock the effects this has had on me can still put me in a spin.

Now, knowing and trusting my SELF is the answer, it is all I am working toward. I am learning to go inside and ask what I really feel, want or need. If I can connect enough with myself to answer those questions I find incredibly enlightening truth to go on. That’s right, TRUTH…truth I can trust.

Now that’s a great feeling, one I haven’t felt often enough. That’s the buzz, the energy and the motivation off of which I want to live and...it kicks the hell out of fear.

So today, I want to face life unafraid…I'll trust myself and not be afraid.

I’ve gone all the way to the worst-case scenario and faced the worst. The truth I found there is that I really have nothing to lose: If I lose the things I’ve been afraid of losing, maybe they weren’t what I thought they were to begin with. If I give my all and never write anything great, then maybe I’m just not writer-material—I’ll have to find something else to do. If I get to a place where I realize I’ll never become who I think I can become, I’ll have at least lived life on the journey, and not let fear steal any more time or confidence from me. If I end up alone… guess what? Everyone is…life is not a team sport.

Life is not that scary. It sure feels like it a lot of the time, but now I’m seeing it’s just that dogged, dysfunctional, Christian shadow that follows me around.

I’m working pretty hard to shake it.