Fear

Just when I vowed to be unafraid...

Last night I didn't sleep too well. It was warm, and I was restless, so I just let my mind wander and process the happenings of my life. Finally I feel asleep.

Lately I've been thinking how great it is here, how safe I feel. It's the kind of place where people don't lock their doors and wave at you when you pass.

I was feeling this in my sleep I think, all relaxed and with my guard down when suddenly someone was after me and I wasn't ready. It was a powerful nightmare. I couldn't scream, run or fight--my standard response in these rare dreams, and the scariest part; scarier than who is after me.

See, I'm pretty afraid that might be my response in real life too if someone were after me--fear would paralyze me and I wouldn't be able to muster a fight or a flight. Only once in one of these dreams did I fight back; I woke up punching the covers, feeling incredibly empowered. I thought maybe I had kicked my paralysis for good--but no, here it was again.

I woke up in a full-body, fear-stoked, adrenaline rush. That nightmare was ten times more real than the actual safe, quiet, reality of my bed. I had to work pretty hard to battle away the fear and convince myself I was being irrational. It took awhile, but I finally fell back asleep.

In no time it happened again...another, equally harrowing nightmare. Again, I woke to waves of adrenaline tingling my fingers and toes, stealing my breath.

Some things, like fear, are hard to tame.

My night taught me that I don't get to just decide, "Hey, I'm not going to be afraid anymore." It doesn't work that way, I don't have that kind of power. Fear can hit hard and without warning, and I am an unwilling victim.

I only get to decide how to deal with it afterward.

So, am I going to be able to muster a fight?