On Friendship

It’s hard to be my friend…let me get that out there first…

I know a lot of people, and I love chatting and socializing…but close friends? I can probably count them on one hand…Sometimes, one finger, and that’s counting my four-legged friend.

And that’s life I suppose…I mean, how many people can I expect to want to be with me and listen to me and share with me all the time…whenever I want or need it? C’mon.

Plus, as I said, I’m a difficult friend to have. I’m not high-maintenance but…I expect a lot from my friends...there are just certain things I require…

Sincerity. Honesty. Realness.

Don’t hang with me because you have to or it seems like the thing to do or what we’ve become accustomed to…only if you want to. Just be real. You’re tired of hearing my bunk? You can’t deal with me tonight? Just say it. That’s a hundred times better than me realizing you’re trying to muster the energy--I don’t want you to have to put out so much effort…

But, if we are going to hang…bring a little real conversation and insight, since you have it. Even if no one else is requiring it of you…I probably will. I’m not polite when it comes to this, I’ll probably ask too many personal questions…and give you more opinion than you’ve asked for…

And, you need to be able to roll my way a little. I’ll see things from your perspective, do things your way, come into your world and roll with you…You might have to see things from my side for a time and let that be okay instead of us always having to speak your language, do things your way, so that you feel all comfortable.

Apart from that, it's all easy.

Lately I’ve been feeling a little lonely, but I’m embracing it. Yes, I just had a long conversation and dinner last night with a friend—-all real and honest and great. But, it's not like I’m going to call her or require anything of her just because I'm feeling a little lonely…we’re friends and we can talk on a dime, but we’re not besties…

No, all my besties are all currently unable to roll with me…either because of how I am or their own dysfunction… or because of life...they’re just busy. They aren’t free to love me, be with me, hear and listen…or maybe I just require too much from them and they need a break. And they get to be that way…sometimes it’s like that.

I could certainly rouse them if I really needed them….

But really…should I need or want them as much as I do? Shouldn’t I be a strong, independent woman, a whole person on her own? Gosh I used to do that so much better when I had Jesus in my backpocket…

But, no one’s needs are fully met, right? We all walk around incomplete. Why do I even expect someone to always be there for me…and then sometimes wait for it? ‘Cause I’m a big fat baby? ‘Cause I don’t want to deal with my bunk and grow the hell up? Shouldn’t I be able to be fine feeling alone for a time?

Yes, and I am.

It just is what it is…life and friendship. You enjoy the moments when you have them…and let them go, embracing and learning from the in-between times.

We just don’t get to hang onto anything, do we?