Men. Again.

I have such a problem with men right now…with all the men I’ve ever known…all the teachers, preachers, friends and relatives….

I love them…I do. And I love to hang out with them, talk to them, push them to give me their take on life, but…they only see the world their way. I know they can’t help it, they’re men, and they see the world as men. As a woman, I feel I have to get them see it my way, or let them go and be unconnected with me. It seems they don’t feel as obligated to get me to see it their way...to them, their way is obvious.

It feels like men are only really willing to connect with women when they feel they need them.

And I was raised to please men, make them happy, and to be low-maintenance around them—after all, I was raised in America. I’m supposed to look pretty, be alluring and work around their important lives. I've been so affected by their view. Yes, I’ve always been able to voice my opinion around them just fine, but I’ve realized it doesn’t change how they see things—even if they agree with me, even if I’m right. And, although some of them can speak my language, none of them see the world as I see it. I’m not talking about chauvinism or even doltish short-sightedness, I’m talking about culture and genetics and…well, they just are what they are, they can’t help it…they’re men.

I understand all this so I go their way. Often, I cover that ground, for relationship, for friendship…it’s worth it to me because…well…don’t get me started on women. Given the choice….

And I know the men sure as hell probably aren’t coming my way, since often they don’t see the need.

Okay, yes, sure, men try to make women happy. But don’t they often do it so they can get by without having to really deal with their women? They placate them, and a lot of women are happy with that. The men are happy feeling they’ve played it right and gotten off as easily as possible, and the women think they’ve gotten what they wanted. A lot of men and women think that’s the way it works.

Well it ain’t. Not in my world.

Those men that try to do things to please women, but not really deal with them? Uh uh. No thanks. I’m not pleased…at all.

But a lot of women are pleased, and this is all they want, all they expect. And in return they use all their manipulative skills to get their men to do the placating, showing they too have power. I recently sat at a dinner party and listened to a couple argue that this is how marriage works--men and women are just that simple. He does the things that please her, and she fulfills his basic needs for happiness, because that’s all either of them want. I didn’t even try to hold back my “Bullshit,” response to that. Sorry, call me high-maintenance, but I’m expecting a little more in my marriage and even my friendships than that…

In my world, I don’t want any placating…I’d rather have the painful space between us…just sitting there, like a dry, hard-cracked desert, than be made to feel like we are close with all the shallow gestures couples learn in couples counseling. I’d rather have men not even try to cover the ground if they aren’t up for it--Just be who you are…at least I then know who the hell I’m dealing with and what to expect. Of course you’ll hear some complaining about how you aren’t bringing it real, but…that’s the price for sitting on your ass with me. At least you get to do it….it’s your choice. I’m not going to make you do anything.

I know my male boss won’t cover any ground, he doesn’t have to…he actually does have all the power, it’s non-negotiable and very clear. So at work I’m biting my tongue where he’s concerned—we do not speak the same language, and I don’t get to be understood. Got it. Noted. I’ve caught a glimpse of what a glass ceiling must feel like.

But the other men in my life? Well, they have to hear it from me--and, since they are in my circle, we can at least have that out. But, I’m left wondering, how good of friends can we ever really be? How close can we really get? Is there always space between us? Even when we seem close and happy with each other, we just aren’t seeing it--don’t want to see it--but the space…it’s still there, isn’t it?

I remember listening in college to older, feminist women talk about men with anger…and I didn’t get it, just didn’t see that problem with the men in my life, who at the time, I was so easily pleasing. Life was still working the way I was raised to think it did.

Well now, I see it a little. Women are raised to please men, yet men can be unpleaseable. So really, can we succeed? Not while keeping all our integrity and our SELF. Women aren’t always going to get that A+ from men…and really? It’s not their fault, men don’t have the power to give it, yet, women are raised to look to them for it. The structure is so flawed--they’re just being the men they were raised to be…they’re in a lose-lose as well.

Well I’m just being a woman, and probably a troublesome one at that…but for the love of God, can’t we do better than this? Can’t we see how beautiful it is when someone with power doesn’t use it to manipulate and get what they want, but gives it away? Shouldn't we give someone else the freedom to cover the ground on their own, however they’d like to do it, if they even want to? Yes, the ground is difficult to cover, but we don’t want anyone covering it because they have to, do we? And, what is life with others about about if not figuring out new ways to cover that ground, to relate with one another? Shouldn't that be motivation enough?

Real relationship… isn’t it worth it?

Doesn’t anyone want it?

Are we all just trying to get by as easily as possible?