Yesterday

Yesterday I woke up working on life, and how to connect with it, trying to figure it out, trying to acknowledge my own feelings and not cover them up--acknowledging the ache, pain, disappointment and the joy….accepting it all...it was hard, but it was real, and I was moving forward....then, after awhile, I vented and raged about life, how it doesn't work how it should…then I was exhausted and locked up, like I was in need of a big fat crying session, which I didn’t want…and I found I was suddenly fading and about to nap…but I got a call and heard some incredibly sad news about a friend--incredibly sad…and I found myself clutching at the pain and breathlessness in my chest, trying to resist it….then I felt pity and compassion, and the presence of that hard, dark dysfunction my friend must have been wrestling with, and I hated it…and I felt how it is too much to ask some people to deal with it, how they are no match for it….and I thought how I need to know this and be compassionate and love more and be prepared to freaking kick it in the teeth when I see it, because I'm the type that can, and not let it win…yet, sometimes, there’s not a damn thing I can do about it, and I fearfully have to let it be, hoping it will run off when the sun comes up…that the landscape will look at least somewhat as it before the darkness….then, surprisingly, after some time went by, and I had to think about other things, and fulfill obligations, something struck me funny and I ended up laughing….I was laughing and laughing, and for a few minutes I couldn’t stop, I had to let it out of my system….then I was good, then I was just me….then I was just being, living, and not working on anything…and I was satisfied that I had felt it all, all the day had for me.