Who Knew?

Who knew I could still be this jazzed to be living the lifestyle I have built for myself here?

I feel pretty great about my life right now, I’m kind of amazed because I'm not fulfilling any dream or accomplishing anything. I’m NOT in the perfect job feeling my perfect passion and role in life, I'm just living a small, normal everyday life. I’m actually surprised that the vision I got when we pulled into town is still working for me and feeling so right. The other night I got a huge lift riding home on my bike, reflecting on my day of writing, working-out and a full shift on my feet...

I’m still not making much at the coffee/wine bar, but the Thursday night bartender quit so I’m getting more experience talking wine, pouring wine, chatting with customers and almost being a bartender…plus I’m making more in tips, so that’s a bonus. Regardless, I do my three-plus shifts a week over there and I work hard and stay engaged and time usually flies by. I don’t know why I like it so much...maybe it's because I’m so engaged with people and I'm learning about wine, business and my adopted community. Or maybe it's because the work there is so clear and doable, and I see that I have an effect…

Also, I’m in a New Year’s boom with my Pilates sessions…I have a bunch more people and classes, and am suddenly bringing in respectable cash, which makes me feel good (see "Money" below). I’m enjoying it right now as all the new people are so excited and motivated, and, again, I am having an effect…

Who knew that these jobs would actually "buy" me this writing time here each morning? It is such a great feeling, one I wasn't expecting. Call me dysfunctional, but I think if I wasn’t working these jobs, I could not sit here for 2-5 hours each morning spending this time on myself…wouldn't happen. I would always be thinking I needed to be producing here to show it was worth something, or I would be needing to get some things done around the house or our lives since I wasn't producing anything.... But somehow, because I work actual hours somewhere else, and earn actual cash, I feel I am earning this time. And whether I procrastinate, get distracted, just journal or actually get some writing projects accomplished, this time is gold for me. It’s absolutely the place where I am growing, changing, dealing and getting centered (or at least working at it) for the rest of my day.

I’ve learned that at least--I must have time--quiet, alone time, to live bigger and better. I’ve always felt it and have taken it when I was frazzled and feeling the need--in fact,I used to do it every day just to try to get right with God. But now, to come here every day, regardless, and sit and at least try to engage with God, self, life, love, ambition, marriage and relationships is so what I need to do to move forward in life. I don’t even care what, if anything, comes of it, writing-wise…I really don’t. The feeling I have walking away from this desk every day is more than enough.

Of course it doesn’t feel this good much of the time…often it’s like pulling teeth to get me to sit and focus, and other times it’s like watching paint dry, and sometimes I blog about nothing just for the sake of keeping in it (kind of like yesterday and today actually...). It’s very much like going to yoga class—it’s hard to get there, it’s mostly un-enjoyable, but I know the strengthening and stretching is good for me, if painful. It often brings me close to tears...but walking out of there I always feel a little relieved, open and unbound.