Beyond the Pale

Recently I was working with a soft-spoken Christian co-worker on a Saturday and her brand-new husband came in. It was very slow, so the three of us got to chatting.

What a perfect, fresh-faced, quiet Christian couple they are. I had to turn the music down to hear him, he was so humble and careful with his words and I'm always having to repeat what she says to customers, they never hear her.

We were talking about church and I gave a very cursory explanation about why I don’t do church anymore. It always does get me a little shaky, talking to Christians about why I no longer am one, because I know they aren’t going to get it. I wouldn't have a few years ago either.

They gently agreed that many of my points were valid, but then said all the things I would have said, a few years ago, about how it isn’t about works and how you can’t do it alone and how I must not be viewing it right.

Basically they didn’t hear a thing I said.

I’m used to it, but it’s a little hard to take--being outside the pale now with so many people I know. I remember explaining it to my brother--we were outside around a fire for hours discussing it. I was trying to keep my voice from shaking, as I tried over and over to get him to understand me. He did not.

The shaky feeling comes from knowing they'll never get it, stepping out there and explaining it anyway, and knowing where I'll be at the end in their minds--beyond the pale.

And, because I used to be in it, I know that it’s worse that I was so involved and then left, instead of just being a life-long, full-on heathen--I used to be able to quote the scripture that supposedly says so. And I know my co-worker and her man have taken me to their small group as a prayer request. I know they are looking for opportunities to bring up the services they provide over there at the church, the ones that would meet my “needs,” since now I've admitted I have some.

I guess sometimes I wish I could go back, when it all feels so difficult and unclear out here, and it used to be so easy to view life through that lens--especially when I'm messing up. I used to be able to confess, get forgiven and start building a record of good behavior to make myself feel better. Now I just have to feel the reality of my weakness.

But I don't really want to go back. Couldn't live with their mindset anymore. I see them working pretty hard at doing the "right things." They're heavily involved in church, going to events they don’t really want to, going to Bible Studies, trying to get people to progress, trying to make themselves better people and trying to be super-nice to everyone in a really sincere way. I bet when they feel they've messed up they go through a whole cycle of guilt and condemnation before swearing off sin for awhile.

I don't miss any of that.

Truthfully, it pains me. They think I just don’t see it how it is because of my experience and I think they just haven’t come to the end of it yet, and probably never will. We’ll never truly meet.

If we could talk about things of God, life, love and philosophy apart from Christianity, I bet we’d have some amazing discussions and not even realize we are far apart, if we even are. But the parameters of Christianity, the language I know all too well, the buzz words, the stuff I know they’re really saying, my gut reaction to it all--all these things prevent it.

It’s a shame really, when Christianity comes between people.