Faith

I hate this place. This place where I’m standing at the edge of something I’m not sure about but really need to get across: the chasm, the rushing river or the still, dark water. The place where I‘m forced to jump and believe or step back and go somewhere else.

This time the river is creativity, and it’s a nicely flowing stream of clear water, not too deep, not too fast. It actually looks inviting. I don’t know why I’m afraid to jump in--there’s not even a sign of danger.

How does creativity work, and what do I believe about it? How do I become one of those people who fearlessly float in the river, prolifically producing their work and creating amazing things? How do I become someone who gets to express the elusive beauty and pain of life and maybe create art?

It’s time to decide what I believe.

I’m doing some reading on the subject, and it’s becoming clear to me that the methods for each person might be different, but one thing in common is that there is a God-given creativity within us. The writers I'm reading aren't always calling it God-given, they're calling it a life force, an energy flow or an inner muse, but all of them agree--you follow it. You do the work, you bring yourself to it and together with it you write or create something real.

I want to believe that God is creative, wants me to be creative, and will lead me in my work, but I feel such a resistance to rely on him in any way as a formula to get through life, get my work done here on this planet or to write something great. I‘m burnt on that idea. I used to wait on God for all of that, but He never showed. Now I'm trying to actually do the work on my own, and, well, here He is--here He is.

And, I can feel it, whatever it is, that inner muse. I was really surprised and relieved to find it as I started writing a few months ago. Once I get into a topic I can almost feel or see the way ahead and I just describe it. What is that? Myself? God in me or the creative force in me? That’s my question. Whatever it is I wasn't sure it would be there and thought my writing might just be a puzzle of facts organized correctly like a research paper. I really wanted it to be something more.

I really wanted it to be my place in the world, my purpose, my chance to partake in the elusive beauty that makes life more than the reality of our days. I wanted it to be my one chance at art, my one chance to express myself and have it truly be me. I wanted it to be more than thoughts put on paper, I wanted it to be heart, soul and spirit put on paper, painted on with a beautiful brush. I wanted it to give me a glimpse of life above the street, in the clouds, in the stars, where we think only God has a view. I wanted it to connect my soul with the souls of others, and my spirit with the spirit of God. I wanted it to be LIFE lived fully, feelings felt deeply and I wanted it to feel like it was right. I wanted it to flow and feel, for just a moment, that life is exactly as it should be.

Not hoping for much, am I?

What if it works like this: What if God, the creator of the universe and of me, IS the life force in all of us and the author of creativity? Really it almost has to be true. Nothing happens in a vacuum, especially if you want a share in beauty, the things we don't get to hold and have, but only get to enjoy and feel. So, assuming this about God: He created us, we are creative beings, and we can be and are to be creative--Can it be true that I do the work and listen and follow and describe what I see and I will be led? Can I buy this? Isn’t that a stretch? I mean I guess I can decide to view things any way I please, but I’d like to know if this is something I can attach my dreams to....

As usual, there is no answer, and that’s where faith comes in. That's what this is about. It's about committing to this "art" more. It's about jumping into this river and not worrying if I can make it to the other side, maybe letting it carry me to a better place.

That's how it works--I just got it.

I'm jumping in.