Wants

Last night while walking the beach, I was doing some out-loud talking to God...and it was to God, I wasn't just talking to myself, I made sure of that.

I have a hard time talking to God because I'll start to fall right into some of my old Christian patterns of prayer, and I hate that, so the "out-loud" conversations are good, because I'll catch myself. It's happening less, as time goes by, but it still happens.

I started to do it last night. I was just talking and I started to say something like, "God help me to want to..." I stopped talking and instantly had a revelation.

I used to pray all the time asking God to make me want the right things, to give me a desire to be like Jesus, to make me want to please him, to make me want to love people, to make me want to be a good Christian, etc. I was supposed to want these things, but did I? Did I enough? Couldn't he make me want to do all the stuff I was supposed to be doing? If I wanted it, then I could do it more easily and we'd both be happy, right?

It rarely crossed my mind to think about what I actually already wanted. Whatever I actually already wanted would be, by default, not good enough. Much of the time I didn't even know what I wanted...didn't get that far.

Everything I allowed myself to want had to first go through the filter of what God might want for me. And, finding out what God wanted then justifying going after it was a difficult process.

And I never got a clear answer, you had to go with stuff like..."I feel peace about it," or "I sought Godly counsel." You might be able to find a verse to directly apply, but that takes some creative thinking...not that I haven't seen it done.

Oh, wait...it's afterward you get the clear answer...that's right. "Well God must have wanted you to do that because look how well it's all turned out," and "God really used you in that situation so you must have been in his will."

There is always an illogical explanation to fill in the blanks.

So...Where did I want to go college?

Well, that wasn't the real question. The real question was where did God want me to go to college? Finding that out required listening to pastors and teachers and parents who all said I could use a "good foundation" of Christian college before hitting the real world. It was just good advice, probably the best way forward...it certainly wouldn't hurt God's feelings for me to go to Christian college, and spiritually, and it would of course be better than going to a secular school where I'd have to battle off all those worldly ideas.

Isn't that why I went to Christian high school? When was I ever going to test myself in the real world? Could I ever have a good enough "foundation" of belief to keep me out of trouble? Apparently not...look at me now.

What did I want to do with my life?

Again, not the real question: Instead, what was God going to have me do, or let me do with my life? Instead of connecting with my internal self and finding out what I actually wanted, there was always instead, the undermining question...Yeah but, what does God want me to do?

Seriously I put most everything through this filter, and if I didn't, I was being rebellious. As I got older I became an expert at it. I did not spend much time figuring out what I wanted or who I was...I was always trying to become who God wanted me to be, and if he could help me want to become who he wanted me to be, then I'd really be on the right track.

Wasn't the purpose of it all to "Glorify God?" and "Please God?" Wasn't I always trying to get in "God's will" so I could live right and make the right decisions?

I know I sound like a heretic, but there is something so wrong with what these words have come to mean. Wasn't Jesus about freedom? What if there is no "God's will" and "right answer?" What if things just...are?

It really wasn't okay to just want things outright, all desires had to go through the manipulative, justification process to make them okay with God and the Christian community.

I don't remember just asking for a lot of things...that surely wouldn't please him, not with missionaries in Africa for crying out loud. So...it was just better for me to want things his way and get on-board. Plus, and this is another thing I don't like about myself, then I wouldn't have to fight through all the do-gooders and the lecturers quoting chapter and verse. It was just safer, and easier, to stay within the Christian circle of thought.

Look, I'm not saying I regret any decisions I made while in Christianity...in fact, I don't at all. I'm happy about where I went to school and how I've lived my life...I made my own choices. But, I'm also happy to have come out of Christianity. And I do regret the way I made decisions. I didn't learn how to know myself, trust myself, or listen to myself, and now my wants and desires are buried so deep they're hard to find.

Well, in the past year or two I've been figuring out who I am and what I want without "God's" influence clouding my vision, and I don't think he minds...he knows I need to de-tox. So, last night on the beach, I told him all this--or, maybe it's more accurate to say he told it to me, I'm not really sure--and I started mouthing off about the things I want.

(I kept from asking him for them...I'm not quite there. There is way too much baggage associated with asking him for anything...That is quicksand right into Christian dysfunction...)

I got on a roll about what I want out of this life, out of myself, and, as it turned out, it was okay. None of it was bad stuff, or sinful...I guess some of it could be described as selfish, but it all seemed okay. It's actually okay to want stuff, and I know it's really enlightening to know what that stuff is...really helpful. I wonder...is it even okay to want big stuff? Well, I'm not sure, but I do...and, well, God knows about it.