Too Much

I always say I don't mind being alone, and most of the time I don't. But sometimes I get the feeling I want someone else's take on things I'm dealing with, things people don't just talk about in easy conversation.

I spend a lot of time and effort being low-maintenance to people in my circle. I'll share my bunk with them, but usually it's after the fact, if we happen to be talking about real stuff. I typically won't pick up my phone and call a friend when I'm really feeling the need. I still have that old "you gotta be low-maintenance" attitude.

So, I'm very aware--and recently it struck me again--that even my best friends and loved ones shouldn't have to deal with all of me and all my bunk--and, truthfully, they probably don't really want to. Even though I know this, I'm shocked every time this realization hits me in the face--Remember, I was raised to think I was "the shit." My bunk is damn interesting and I am super-deep and fascinating when I'm working on my problems...

Yeah, well, maybe not.

I think it may be a part of growing-up to realize that all my shit...all my SELF...all my bunk, well, maybe it's too much for anyone. No one wants to hear it all, no one wants to have to deal with too much of me. It crushed me the first time I saw it, when I realized even my own parents were worn out listening to me. Now I just have to be reminded every so often that's the way it works, and I'll quit wearing on my people, buck up and deal.

(In fact, it's surprising you're still reading this--Feel free to quit anytime.)

That's why now, when I feel alone, I know I'm actually growing up. I have people who love me and are absolutely there for me, but I've learned I have to have that lonely feeling, I have to deal with my bunk, alone, in my own way, if I'm going to progress and develop my soul.

I don't get to have someone understand all the ins and outs of my thoughts. I often am tempted to connect with a friend instead of deal with my self--Wouldn't it be so much easier to have people and friends to deal along with me? I used to think this is what Jesus was supposed to do for me...make me healthy and okay, never needy and absolutely fine on my own. With him, wasn't I supposed to never be alone?

Turns out it works a little differently than I thought, and, I might be a little too much to handle.

That's okay. I understand the deal, and I absolutely know how to do low-maintenance.