Money

What is it about money that makes it such an issue?

Is it control? Is it power? Is it freedom? Does it buy these things? Can it buy peace of mind or can it ease stress? Can it bring happiness? It sure seems like we think it can. Sometimes I feel like it has some crazy power--that we shouldn’t look directly at it, that it might corrupt us. Just live with it, but don’t really acknowledge it, try not to really want it...

I thought for a long time I didn’t really care much about money, and most days I don’t. From when I was a tiny girl I always had some in my pocket. Not a lot, but always enough for what I really wanted to do that day, enough for the movies, and even some popcorn there. Of course, I’ve never had to make it on my own, I’ve always been provided for. I’ve contributed, but never had to feel what it’s like to really earn my own keep, or to have to keep the lights on for a family, so I appreciate that I might not know what the hell I’m talking about. I might not even have enough respect for what my lifestyle costs.

It’s not that I haven’t wanted bigger things, better things, or more likely, some relief from an expensive worrisome crunch on our finances...I have, from time to time. But typically, I don’t feel the pull to have more money, I’ve never been someone who wants a lot of things.

However, every now and then, money suddenly becomes something I really, really want. Again, not to buy anything, it’s not about things at all. Instead, I’m wanting to have made a bunch of money. Past-tense. It’s status that I apparently believe will give me a better standing in this culture, in my life or in my relationships. It’s about power.

Weird isn’t it? When it doesn’t, or shouldn’t really matter? Yet somehow, it sure seems like it does. I feel not only like it would silence my own inner doubts about what I can do, but also show everyone else a thing or two about me. But then, I’m not sure it really would, it’s deceitful, isn’t it?

I have a couple of guy friends, already very financially successful, who have recently told me how much they’d like to make more money. One, risking it all on a new venture, even though by most standards he was already off-the-scale successful, said he wanted to really “ring the bell” for his family. I’d argue it was more for his own self--again, not because he wants anything but he just wants to see if he can do it, and I’m sure his family would appreciate him and be very proud. Some people want to see if they can run a marathon, others want to see if they can make few million in a year. Maybe it’s just that.

The other friend just told me he’d really like to make some “fuck-you” money, that it would give him room to breathe and relax, buying him out of stress and worry about the future—college for the kids, retirement dreams, bills, etc. Knowing him, I’m really not sure it would...but he got me thinking about my own “fuck-you” money dreams--what could such a thing buy me? Could I get motivated by such thoughts? I try not to think about it.

I also have a couple friends who get giddy when they find ways to stash private, unaccounted-for cash--not that it's very much or that they’re going to do much with it, but it makes them feel free and powerful.

And more than one woman from my mother’s generation pulled me aside when I got married and told me it was okay to skim a little off the grocery budget for my own mad money. Perhaps this gave them a taste of power or freedom in their time, and they thought I might need permission to do the same.

Another friend insists that she had a different relationship with her husband when she was bringing in full-time cash--he had more respect for her, she says, when she was working. It’s like she was speaking his language, the one of the world, the one I have never been fluent in.

Even now I’m working close to full-time, and enjoying it, but I’m not making much. I’m making crazy too much per hour for a few hours and not nearly enough in the rest. What am I worth? Why do I not care most of the time, but then really wish I had found out every now and then?

It’s scary powerful...maybe I shouldn’t look at it.

Maybe I should be thankful I don't have to.