Proud

Someone recently told me they are proud of me.

I don't really know how to handle that, don't know what to do with that information....don't know if I deserve it, if I earned it, if it's okay to just let that lie....

Regardless, I felt it. It was a tiny affirmation, a bit of help. Someone, who I thought wasn't noticing, took notice of my fight for a second and said "good job," when I didn't think I had any approval. It was unexpected. I don't know what to think about it.

Proud of what? My working so much? Working so hard? My struggle to find some truth? My efforts to figure out life and continue even when the answers I find aren't answers at all and I get nowhere? The fact that I keep banging my head up against a wall to be understood, kind of get that it ain't ever going to happen, but keep banging anyway?

Proud of me. I've got people who love me, think I'm or fun or a great friend, but proud?

Since I've never, ever, lived up to my supposed potential in any area of my life, I've never even been proud of myself. I've always known I could and should do more, but, for whatever reasons, have not done it. Now, after a long wait, I've taken a couple steps, finally, on my own, to be more me, and someone is proud of me. I'm not sure I've done enough. A couple of people have been proud of small steps I have taken along the way, and have said, "keep going," but I'm not sure anyone has just been proud of me. Not sure anyone has really seen what the hell it has been like for me to get here, yet I'm not even close to where I need to go. Naw, I don't deserve it. It's not time to say those things, I'm not sure I can even reach any of my goals or become a better person--probably won't, actually....

I recently read that the only thing worse than having people say, "You'll never amount to anything," is having them say, "You can, and should, be able to do it all and it should be easy for you." That's what I heard starting in kindergarten. It quit being easy at Fifth grade, and I figured it was my fault I never did it all. I was supposed to do great things....

But, now, someone is proud of me? It sure was interesting to hear.
I'm not quite sure what to do with that information....