Thirst of the Soul

I stumbled across a truth I should've known for years while doing some reading the other night.

Before I busted out of Christianity one of my main frustrations was that I was never really satisfied, was never really at peace or at rest. I kept working to arrive at a convincing place where I knew that I was becoming a better person, was doing enough, or that I sensed that I really knew God. My brand of Christianity promised me things like this. But did God Himself ever promise me that I would be satisfied?

So the other night I was reading some excerpts of writings by Christian mystics, who wrote that the soul desires what is beautiful. Beauty, loveliness, goodness are what draws the soul to the transcendent--causes it to search for more, for the divine, which is often hidden to the soul. The soul gets its desire for what is hidden from what it has already grasped or witnessed, a touch of the grace of God, which convinces it there must be more. In a tiny transitory way God grants the fulfillment of such a soul's desire with a passing glimpse of His work, His beauty and goodness, which only draws the soul more. But God promises no end to the soul's desire, or to completely satisfy it.

And the true vision of God consists in this, in never reaching satiety of desire. We ought always to look through the things that we can see and still be on fire with the desire to see more. So let there be no limit to curtail our growth in our journey upwards to God. This is because no limit to the beautiful has been found nor can any satiety cut short the progress of the soul in it's desire for the beautiful.

Gregory of Nyssa


My frustration was always that I couldn't seem to do enough study and prayer to know God enough. Now I see my goal was impossible, there is no stopping place. However, I can just rest by accepting that it all is what it is, and I don't have to work to arrive at some higher level. It doesn't have to be frustrating, it can be a relief. Do I really want a God of whom I could get enough? Would I believe in one I could fully understand? Wouldn't I quit searching if I could find the end of any of the great questions concerning what God is like?

I don't understand it, but this rings true to me. I must ask the questions, but answers are not to be concrete. God must be bigger than my understanding, and there must be more to Him than I'll ever know. That much, I need to accept.